Skip to main content

How to Be a Ninja in the Bedroom

How to Be a Ninja in the Bedroom

How to Be a Ninja in the Bedroom - does not refer to making love to your wife without her even knowing it or using smoke bombs and rappelling ropes to liven up your marriage. This is about the art of slipping undetected into a bed with a sleeping wife or wife and baby. 

To say Lizzie and I have different bedtimes is nearly an illegal understatement. She goes to bed around 9:30 or 10:00 pm and I go to bed anywhere from 1:00 am to 4:00 am. Sometimes I even meet her on the other side, when she wakes up, before I crash-land in bed. 

Here's the point though, there's nothing quite like the guilt/terror you feel accidentally waking up a deliriously tired new mamma from the little slumber she can manage. And you always know when you've failed, the second you do. Her arm shoots up from the bedding, flailing like a penalty flag. A cellphone suddenly lights up as she checks the time you woke her up. The whisper-screamed "noooooooo!" followed by a savage rollover in bed. The little one sitting up and shouting "Daddy? Daddy?" FAIL with a capital F! 

Related: 7 ways to baby-proof your relationship
 

Over time, I've developed techniques to evade detection. On the stairs that lead up to our bedroom, I walk on the outside parts, where they're nailed in, to reduce the amount of creak. I take off my clothes before entering the room. I set my glasses on my wallet to muffle the sound. But this is all basic stuff. Child's play. 

Women with little ones tend to be set on a hair trigger. Something more professional is needed here, a secret art, an ancient technique. The skills of the ninja. 

Here are some exercises - nay! - "ninjercises" that we dads can practice to become bedroom ninjas. 

Approaching the Bedroom...
Ninjercise: The Soles of a Shadow's Slippers
 

Lay out a long sheet of bubble wrap, then put on a pair of golf cleats and practicing walking the length without a single pop or puncture. Don't bother attempting to approach the bedroom until you have mastered this. Whether you have carpet or hardwood, every untrained step you take will sound like the blare of an air-raid alarm to a wife caring for a baby. 

Related: 5 lessons learned from 18 years of marriage 

Entering the Room…
Ninjercise: Defying the Ear of a Dog
 

Get a starving dog and place it near you in an open area. Then take a metal watering can and fill it with pet kibble. Practice twisting it around frantically without attracting any attention from the animal. Only when you are proficient at this should you try turning the doorknob to the bedroom. Continue to the next related ninjercise. 

Ninjercise: The Bamboo Pretzel 
Take a 6 inch piece of dry bamboo and attempt to tie it in a knot without making a sound. The man who would attempt to push open the bedroom door and still remain alive would do well to master this.

Getting Into Bed…
Ninjercise: Fooling Water
 
Fill a bathtub to the very top and practice getting in without spilling a drop. You may think this improbable, and it may take countless tries, but if you can fool a law of physics like water displacement, then you're only just beginning to have a chance at getting into bed without disturbing a woman set to wake up at the bat of a newborn's eyelash. (Gong Sound) 

Popular posts from this blog

Kardashian LaChapelle Christmas card 2013

Kardashian LaChapelle Christmas card 2013, Kardashians leave no stones unturned in making their annual Christmas card as larger than life as possible, but for this Christmas, they might have gone a tad overboard as it cost $250,000 for their latest move of self-glorification; obviously the Kardashian Klan didn’t shell out a penny for it. You can see big hair and high fashion but the card shows no Lamar, Scott, Kanye or Rob. Kim Kardashian was more than excited to see the concept of the new card, as she mentioned trying new things was something that excited her the most. Before the shoot, the entire family was seen sitting around in their robes and jammies, discussing the previous Christmas holidays, presents and much, sipping their favorite champagne throughout the time. The Drama The off-beat or rather intricate Christmas card shows us the five sisters Kim, Khloe, Kourtney, Kylie Jenner and Kendall Jenner along with their parents Kris Jenner and Bruce Jenner. They are seen in...

Ugly bridesmaid dresses

Ugly Bridesmaid Dresses Ugly bridesmaid dresses - All brides are beautiful, and all bridesmaid dresses are ugly, unless it’s Pippa’s. But some bridesmaid dresses go beyond ugly to truly hideous. Those Ugly bridesmaid dresses look like they came from the closet of my high school’s drama department. You know, the crappy, shapeless costumes that have seemingly been there since 1972? That’s what these dresses remind me of. Like a one-size-fits-all kind of thing. I’m glad they’re wearing such big smiles on their faces, because it shows that they don’t care about stupid, shallow things like that. They’re just happy for their newly wedded friend. Impressive.

'Star Trek' Actress Grace Lee Whitney Dies at 85

'Star Trek' Actress Grace Lee Whitney Dies at 85, Grace Lee Whitney, the on-screen character who played Yeoman Janice Rand on the first Star Trek, passed away Friday. She was 85. Every USA Today, child Jonathan Dweck said the star passed on of common reasons at her home in Central California. Whitney depicted Captain Kirk's collaborator for eight scenes of the first 1966 TV arrangement before she was composed out of the script. At the point when Star Trek was renewed as a motion picture establishment in 1979, the performing artist returned as a boss frivolous officer in Star Trek: The Motion Picture. Her last appearance as Rand was in 1991's Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country. William Shatner, who played Whitney's onscreen manager, tweeted Monday: "Sympathies to the group of Grace. She was a consistent sparkling grin throughout the years each time our ways crossed." Every NBC News, Whitney was a customary at Star Trek traditions around the glob...